A Request for Your Understanding

First, Nicole and I want to thank everyone who has helped to make this happen.  Too many to name, but the support prior to our leaving, the comments that have been left on the blog,  the very kind and supportive emails, and, most importantly, the prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf have allowed us to make it this far in the journey can never be repaid.  We are almost done after more than 5 years of preparation and waiting for this time.  It is also special that so many of you want to continue supporting us in this journey once we arrive home. I know many are excited to meet Bo, and Nicole and I cannot wait for her to get to know her family and extended family that has been so supportive.  We particularly want to thank Bo's brothers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, niece, and nephews along with our loving DCA family.  With all that being said, Nicole and I have drafted the following letter.  It is not easy to be patient, but we ask for your help.  This letter has been written with the help of Leigh Ann Harrington of the International Adoption Clinic at the University of Alabama-Birmingham.

Two nights ago an older, distinguished Chinese gentleman entered the hotel elevator with us.  He spoke very good English and appeared to be an important businessman.  In a baritone voice he inquired about Bo's age.  Then he said something which caught me off guard..."It is a very nice thing that you are doing for her.  You are changing her life."  The only response that came out of my mouth was, "Thank you, but she has changed our lives."  With that being said, we simply ask that you are patient with us.  We want every special person in our life to help change the life of Bo forever; but also maybe to have your life changed a little by this wonderful little baby girl....maybe she will even encourage some of you to move forward with adoption!!!!

Dear Family and Friends,

As we set to come home from the very exciting events of the last few weeks, we have been thinking a lot about the people around us and how much our lives are changing.  We are so very blessed by our gracious God to have such loving and involved family and friends. We sincerely appreciate all the support and excitement that you have shown us during this journey.  We are thrilled more than you could know to bring this sweet baby home.  We've read, researched, and asked a lot of other adoptive parents about this process and feel prepared to help our baby become a well-adapted member of our family.

We know that every child is different but we also understand that there are many possible things that have impacted Bo's beliefs and behavior since her little life began last March. These include how much nurturing she received, if there was abuse or neglect (which we do not believe occurred), the amount and quality of food received, illnesses, the quality of care, and Bo's unique temperament and personality. The results of these things can vary and can include a sense of grief from being separated from the only home she has ever known.  We want her to feel attached to her new home (family) as quickly as possible. Adoption, while a wonderful thing, is a traumatic and scary event for any child, whether they are newborn or much older. Even babies will feel grief and sadness at an event like this.  In order to help Bo feel safe and learn that we are her parents, we are creating the type of environment that will help promote security and stability during this stressful time.

Here are some things that we are doing for our child based on our findings. We'll be living a very quiet life with limited trips out of the house and few visitors in for awhile. Experts tell us that when children are first adopted, they may be overwhelmed, scared, and nervous. By keeping our lives boring at first, we'll be helping Bo feel safe. We still want visitors coming to visit with us. We will just have to limit it a little so it is not overwhelming. We certainly want family around us as well, but we cannot pass Bo around for everyone to hold and we have to be mindful of overloading her with new things and people. We respectfully request a quiet return to Nashville on Friday night.  It will be a very long  journey for us. There are also some events that both Nicole and I want to attend, with Bo.  If you see us, we won't mind being greeted.  But please help us keep Bo from feeling overwhelmed.

We know that many are excited to hold, hug, and spoil Bo, but it has been recommended to us by multiple sources that we be the only ones to do that at first.  It improves the chances for a strong attachment to her parents. Until we feel Bo has attached and clearly knows we are her parents, we will need to feed, change, and take care of her. I know this will disappoint some of you, but there will be more chances in the near future.

As strange as it may seem, adopted children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is NOT a healthy thing. It is called "indiscriminate affection" and can mean that an adopted baby has not really attached to anyone. It would not be a good sign that our baby has attached to us if during her first months home she will let just anyone take her and hold her without searching for her mom or dad.

There will be a lot for Bo to take in over the next several days...many hours in an airports/airplanes, a new house, new brothers, a new time zone.  So we do appreciate your understanding as we set out to do what is best for Bo.  We have absolute faith that everything will go well.

Having said that, we believe that God is working a miracle among our three lives right now.  We believe that this is a very natural feeling for the three of us and firmly believe that God will continue to work miracles as she is introduced to her brothers, grandparents, extended family, and new friends. We trust that God has intervened in little Samantha Bo's life and worked to intertwine her spirit with ours and know that He will continue to do the same.  Therefore, we will seek His wisdom and understanding when introducing Bo to new people and situations. We will not follow steadfast rules, rather His lead.

Sincerely,

Bret and Nicole